What do you want this to be

Have you ever heard of Dating Purgatory ?
Well if you havent heard of it, I will tell you about it because I think Im in it right now.

You know that situation of  having one foot out the door instead of taking a risk and jumping into a relationship with both feet? That's when you know you're in dating purgatory. It’s when we are dating someone who wants nothing serious, even though we do.

Do you know how awful is it to be dating someone you like but never knowing where we stood or whether or not he was seeing anyone else.Or it’s all those times we were in a relationship that had no label, or it’s anytime we found ourselves in an almost-relationship.

Is he in denial about what the real deal looks like because the real deal involves self-sacrifice. It’s giving up other options. It’s not talking to girls or guys anymore.Is he afraid to jump in with both feet and give what he got?

My only FOMO is the fear of losing what I have with him.

Is he aware that real deal is when you go to that event with your significant other, even though you don’t really want to go. It’s when you’ll do anything to make your man or woman happy. It’s when you tell each other you only want each other and you don’t want the other to see anyone else.It’s when you lock that sh*t down. It’s when you know exactly where you stand with each other.
If it’s the real deal, you’re not still looking because you know what you’ve found is unbeatable.
You’d never want to risk losing it by continuing to shop around and getting caught.
We need to start focusing on the benefits of being in a relationship, rather than mulling over the drawbacks or worrying about the sacrifices.

I really hate myself for being such a pussy. Tip toe-ing around the issue of  ''What are we?'' and dance around the question of ''What do you want this to be?''
It requires bravery to decide you want to be committed to someone.And i've decided to be with him and not anyone else. What bout him? There will be times when even if you really like this person, you’re still worried it won’t work out.

Perhaps you stay in a non-relationship and never question what it is out of fear that the moment you ask any questions about what you are or where you stand, you’ll scare that fragile pseudo-relationship away.

We shouldn’t settle for anyone unless they step it up. If someone’s not all in and wants to keep one foot out the door, they obviously don’t adore you. If they did, it would look a lot different than dating purgatory.
We deserve better than dating purgatory, but the question is, why aren’t we acting like we deserve better? Why aren’t we demanding better?

 Dont you want the real thing? I believe we all want to find love right?
We all want a supportive partner who can motivate us to aim higher, who cares deeply for us and who we can even take to family events.
 Dating purgatory isn’t where you want to be if you’re in search of something real. Yet, it’s where a lot of us end up.We also voluntarily remain in dating purgatory, no matter how awful it is, by condoning non-relationships, even though we actually want the real deal.

Its sad to know that our generation has accepted dating purgatory as the norm; it’s what we settle for instead of pursuing something real.

Just a dream

Its exactly one more month to my big day and I'm clueless of what I should do for my May annual leave. Here's a couple of ideas:

• To go to Bali , Cambodia or Vietnam
• Go back to Penang
• Just stay in Singapore and rot

It's my 20th birthday and I don't want it to be just like another ordinary birthday..
The feeling of jealously creeps in every time I scrolled through instagram pictures of my friends with their boyfriends showering them with luxurious lifestyles.
I always wonder to myself what does it takes to get pampered like that? Am i not lucky enough?
Its not like I'm complaining but I want to get this treatment too.
Thou I know I'm not so demanding in all this stuffs but hello I'm a girl too alright. I want to be showered with love just like those girls. Don't i deserve something ?

Right now all i could imagine bout happiness is when i touch down from flight, i did make my way to the carousel belt to collect my broken cargo bag then make my way out of the door looking up at the arrival sign. And what makes it better? To see the person you like holding a bouquet of your favourite flowers welcoming you home. Drive you home to let you get dressed and then head to a romantic candle light dinner. Indulging a medium rare steak along with red wine. The sound of violin or piano playing at the back of your ears. Waiter coming behind me holding 20 lighted candles of my all time favourite Oreo cheese cake. That special person hand me a small box. What's in that small box? That swarovski ring I've been dying to have. I know it sounded like getting proposed and so typical cheesy way to celebrate something memorable. You cant blame me. I have never get to experience this sweet thing YET!  And yes I have always wanted my love one to get me a ring.

This is all just a dream yet to be fulfilled if only I'm lucky enough to feel and treated like I'm his Queen. Oh well all I could ask myself is ; open your mind , take a look within. Are you happy with the world your living in? If not, you got to change what you do.

What are we?

Speaking up and expressing our true feelings to another person isn't a simple task.
Obviously, in today's hook-up culture, how can it be?

Amidst the consistent, casual relationship we form, we silence pressing, '' what are we?'' thoughts due to the fear of appearing needy or overly emotional. At the same time, we like the way things are and we don't want to potentially ruin a good thing.

Nobody wants to get hurt, but nobody likes to be strung along with no answers either.

Maybe we believe we owe it to the other person at this point. Or, maybe we think we're  ''too old'' for this casual way of dating and we deserve closure. However, before we torture ourselves over the possibility of scaring the other person away, lets just remind ourselves whether we are ready to consider moving forward or if it's just not in the cards right now.

Remember on my last post about me being the in-between girl? So yea he finally broke up with his girlfriend. Great news huh? But still it bothers me. I don't know which side I should believe.

A part of me afraid he's not in his right state of mind. Sometimes I wonder am I his distraction from the heartbreak he was left with that he's desperately trying to avoid. I could see it in him that's he's vulnerable. Does this mean he could genuinely believe he's in love with me, even if her really isn't? It's difficult to say.
Wait! Does this give me an excuse not to be cautious? No. He could be totally innocent. He could also be fighting to win the adrenaline-rushing game of  '' I moved on first'' between him and his ex. Ok maybe he doesn't even think bout all this stuffs but whatever it is don't I deserve a guy whose attention is 100 person on me?

Sneaky dates and text messages? You would not even  approve the tags i tagged you in Instagram..
Well, hate to break it to myself, but there is rarely ever a happy ending when you're The Other Woman. The fact that right now he's single, I don't know why I felt like there is another girl besides me.

Little bird said:
You don't understand it; you're mature, sweet and young. Why does he only want you when it's convenient for him?
Because he doesn't understand it. And guess what? It's not your job to teach him. You think he's worth waiting for? Sorry. If he knew your worth, he wouldn't make you wait or make you feel this way. Does he even know there's so many guys chasing after you and that you pushed those guys away and in the end still chose to be with you instead of them?
And this is important: No matter how much you like him and no matter how innocent you feel, you are part of the reason another girl out there is getting cheated on even though she is cheating on him too. If only people could stop doing this to each other.

Then another part of me would like to believe he's wants me. When I was in Zurich just before checking out hotel, he asked me whether is it confirm that I will be going back to Penang after my second Zurich because he decided that it would be a nice time to go back together with me. And yea shocked no.1. I would never thought he was so serious bout this thing. Man with words. Charming haha.
Shocked no.2 when I touched down into Singapore, he messaged me and said welcome back and said he was thinking of doing a stay cation then throw in our shopping date in the afternoon. I've never thought he could be so spontaneous. He's making me crazy.
Please tell me its a sign that he's into me. We've been hanging almost as often. But the thing is we don't call each other names or say those i love you and i miss you words and no cheesy emoticons as well hmmm.. I don't want to be one sided or being used.

In-between girl

Few weeks ago I read an article that is so true about my current situation that hit me real hard.
Someone finally come to terms with what its' like to be the girl he isn't in a relationship with.
They call it 'the in-between girl'. I've heard all of the names: rebound, hookup, friends with benefits but none of them seem to fit. I don't feel like as though they match how i feel.

For the past 2 years I've encountered many guys who just ' don't see it going there' with me but are comfortable enough to want to see me naked. Up until now, I dint understand the logic behind the matter until it dawned on me one day: I am the in-between girl.

By definition, I am the girl guys are with in-between serious relationships. They turn to me at vulnerable points in their lives without realizing it. I'm just a space-filler and a safe place to go because I am consistent and that's what they need.

He touches me, he hugs me, he kisses me, we travelled together and etc but don't worry.. we're just friends. He says he doesn't want a relationship but he acts like my boyfriend. I just don't understand.
No girls wants a guy who cant let other girls know he is taken?. And I definitely don't want to be his back up plan and he's second choice! Isn't it better to have nobody at all than to have somebody to be half there or doesn't want to be there? And yet inside of me I know i don't stand much chance, but I'm still gonna like him anyway? How fucked up can this be?

I know we mean much more to each other than just a few casual hookups here and there. There's intimacy. We talk and share so much. That's not casual at all and I know it. Of all the guys I dated, he is one of the guy that I'm able to converse non stop and I hope he feels the same way too.

Things spiral beyond our control. He's in a relationship which he might or might not plan to break it off.All my friends told me don't get myself in trouble, if he can breakup with his current girlfriend when he is with me, he can do they same when he's with me for other girls. And the fact that i can find someone who deserves me better.  I'm crystal clear about that. But whats pulling me? Someone please tell me about it.

We officially enter the grey area.

This is the part where I find myself waiting around for him to text me or ask me out. Although he blatantly tells me he's not looking for a relationship. I still cling to the smidgen of hope that he will change his mind.

When I ask why isn't he breaking up with his girlfriend yet when he said they are in a complicated status( doesn't seem complicated to me at all) and having communication problem,, he says ''well it's just a matter of time' or he would also say ' too much commitments already'.

The cyclical agony continues..

We aren't up front with each other because we're afraid to say things when we don't like how they sound. ''I don't want a girlfriend but I want to fuck you'', doesn't exactly have a nice ring to it, Then again, neither does, '' I'm fucking you because I need to fulfil my needs.

So, I always go along with it. I allow the games to be played because at the end of the day, I'm lonely.

I naturally press for more and sit through this, '' I have commitment issues'' speech that concludes with, '' Do we really have to define this?'' I lie and say no because I don't want him to leave.

Everyday I pray for one of the things that I don't hope to see it happen, he leaves and disappears into thin air. A few weeks later, he surfaces and would tell you he's engaged. If that really happen,I swear I will just lay dead for months.

Normally, I spend every second of my free time poring over our texts or pictures, wondering what I could have said and do to make him choose me over here. To make him stay..

I'll feel like it is all my fault that he choose not to be with me. Maybe if I had launched into a Meredith Grey-esque, ''Pick me, choose me, love me'' speech, he would've stayed.

I really don't know if we were friends, more than friends or just complete strangers who shares a bed. I'm angry for awhile, wondering, ''Was this fun for him? Was I not good enough for him?''
Don't I have enough problems already that I'd still want to create more problem for myself? I would agree you to be with any other guys but not a guy who is attached .That's what my dear friend told me.

I wonder what he sees in her but couldn't see in me. By the end of the day, I know her life inside and out.  I wasn't enough.

We'll have an awkward encounter and I'll feel both seasick and airsick on dry land and above 35000 ft
because I have to face the music that I'm just the in-between girl. Then, he'll give half-assed reason for leaving, dropping the inevitable, ''its not you, its me,''. bomb.

And maybe he's right. Its not me. It really is him..

Johannesburg, South Africa

When you least expect it, that's when great things happen.

After one year and 4 months of flying I finally flew to South Africa. I wasn't rostered. I was called up for that flight. Thou I'm happy to go Johannesburg but when I saw the crew list, I was indeed demotivated to fly because everyone is so senior. Strong feelings that nobody would want to go to the Lion's Park or the Horse Riding Safari with me. Contemplating to take MC but I couldn't bare to due to high amount of MC I took in just a year. Oh well, i sucked it up and went for the flight and you know what? 

Fingers crossed worked.

Prayers answered.

My whole set of crew is so damn nice. We were like a family. We had our lunch and dinner together. Drinking sessions. Surprisingly 6 of us went for horse riding! How can you find such awesome spontaneous crew? Sadly I'm not flying back with my set of crew. I had to go back a day earlier with other set. But still, I thank God that my 3 tech crews are joining me home too.

Words cant describe how thankful I am to have 3 of them. They were so nice to me. Every meal they paid more then they should have. They even invited me over for dinner for the last day because all of my sets are going for their beauty sleep to prepare for an early morning shuttle and that I will be alone with nothing to eat with anyone. Captain Han insisted me continue my studies while Captain Leonard asked me to marry a rich guy and my life would be complete. How i wish i could find a rich loving husband soon.

So the horse riding was really quite an experience. Thou I dint get to see any lions, cheetahs and whatsoever more. God I love the part where I could gallop the horse. Its so fun. Feeling like a cowboy girl but one thing you have to know, the galloping hurts the hell out of our vagina's and balls. Please mind my language. Its the truth trust me! Now I'm so tempted to ride horse and eat lots of steaks along with red wines.

There is something I got to share with you about Africa. When I was on my way to the reserved safari, I passed by the local areas where I could see how they lead their lives there.  Their houses were really run down. All made off old dusty bricks with rusty metal rooftops. I see so many of the black African guys sitting by the roadside waiting for something. Do you know what were they waiting for? I first thought they were just resting there for fun. But no. The answer is they were all hoping for a miracle to happen. Waiting every single day under the sun with no shelter for a job opportunities. Praying that a van or a bus would stop by and pick them to work. It really breaks my heart to see it yet i truly admire how patience they can be because the hardest test in life is the patience to wait for the right moment. It reminds me of a very strong quote ' keep your heart open to dreams for as long as there's  a dream there's hope and as long as there's hope there is joy in living.'

Lastly I just want to say something silly here. I honestly thought there are only black Africans. I did not know there are white Africans as well. Oh well, that's about it ciao

Two sides

She's bewildered.. She's  scared.. She's confused.

She just had a crazy weekend. A weekend that she will remember for life.
She questioned herself repeatedly every time she blanks out.
What happened? Curiosity kills again.
It was her very first time she got hungover. She was always careful not to go overboard especially in outstation but this time she trusted her friend would take care of her and because she's in her own city. She let it slight off. The friend she trusted did actually took care of her ya but mostly her bag  and then left her with a new friend she just make which is going to fly to Amsterdam with her on Monday =.= i know right? Oh well guess what?
Her boldness and spontaneous act had some kind caused her spiritually and emotionally.
Sorta left clueless bout last night. It's haunting. The only way to stop this is to ask. The thing that stop her from asking was because she's embarrassed to bring up the event again.

She's basically lost. Barely even remember what's her true self. Does she even know the true self of her?
I doubt so. The fact that she's been push to adapt to her surroundings is insane!

There's two sides of her she's indecisive about herself but yet apart of her knows that's her true self.
Well as I what i know, she's just a young girl who had to moved out from her family and friends to a bigger city with only a thousand dollar to survived. She dint have a choice. She had to do whatever it takes to save money for the future. While all her colleagues leads a luxurious life, she's there tying herself down. Every time she scroll through pictures of her friends eating expensive food, buying branded stuffs and pampering themselves she feels so disheartened. A colleague of hers once told her, why suffer so much to save money? You should be easy on yourself. Money wont buy you happiness.
Just enjoy while your young because tomorrow will always be a mystery. If only she have this way of thinking not to worry bout the future.

She wants to prove to people she's independent.She hates it when people thinks she's still young and thinks she doesn't know much. Yes! Young but so what? People around her are all twice her age. It's quite a challenge to try to fit in and keep the conversation going. Most people would just ignore and keep themself quiet but she doesn't rock this way. She wants to let them know she's different. Doesn't mean she's young she cant seem to click to well. Her strong will pushes her so hard that she had to step out of her comfort zone.She make sure she tries anything that is new to her ,make lots of new friends and hangout with them because she honestly think that this is the way of keeping her strong and mature. Meeting new people teaches her so many stuffs. And the results are? Her friends would even ask her out to meet their friends. Which means they doesn't mind bout her age at all. Bare this in mind, time to time she's tends to be afraid and a little pulled back because people would reject to hangout with her because of her age.

What do you think? Do you think she should still push herself to step out of comfort zone or just be conservative? Please do help her and give her some words of advice because I'm speechless and confused too.Is there anyone out there is proud of her too?  All I know is that I'm really proud of her. Proud on how she could adapt to changes every single new day. How she could keep herself so strong facing this big scary world alone. God of Angel Armies please always be by her side.