Someone finally come to terms with what its' like to be the girl he isn't in a relationship with.
They call it 'the in-between girl'. I've heard all of the names: rebound, hookup, friends with benefits but none of them seem to fit. I don't feel like as though they match how i feel.
For the past 2 years I've encountered many guys who just ' don't see it going there' with me but are comfortable enough to want to see me naked. Up until now, I dint understand the logic behind the matter until it dawned on me one day: I am the in-between girl.
By definition, I am the girl guys are with in-between serious relationships. They turn to me at vulnerable points in their lives without realizing it. I'm just a space-filler and a safe place to go because I am consistent and that's what they need.
He touches me, he hugs me, he kisses me, we travelled together and etc but don't worry.. we're just friends. He says he doesn't want a relationship but he acts like my boyfriend. I just don't understand.
No girls wants a guy who cant let other girls know he is taken?. And I definitely don't want to be his back up plan and he's second choice! Isn't it better to have nobody at all than to have somebody to be half there or doesn't want to be there? And yet inside of me I know i don't stand much chance, but I'm still gonna like him anyway? How fucked up can this be?
I know we mean much more to each other than just a few casual hookups here and there. There's intimacy. We talk and share so much. That's not casual at all and I know it. Of all the guys I dated, he is one of the guy that I'm able to converse non stop and I hope he feels the same way too.
Things spiral beyond our control. He's in a relationship which he might or might not plan to break it off.All my friends told me don't get myself in trouble, if he can breakup with his current girlfriend when he is with me, he can do they same when he's with me for other girls. And the fact that i can find someone who deserves me better. I'm crystal clear about that. But whats pulling me? Someone please tell me about it.
We officially enter the grey area.
This is the part where I find myself waiting around for him to text me or ask me out. Although he blatantly tells me he's not looking for a relationship. I still cling to the smidgen of hope that he will change his mind.
When I ask why isn't he breaking up with his girlfriend yet when he said they are in a complicated status( doesn't seem complicated to me at all) and having communication problem,, he says ''well it's just a matter of time' or he would also say ' too much commitments already'.
The cyclical agony continues..
We aren't up front with each other because we're afraid to say things when we don't like how they sound. ''I don't want a girlfriend but I want to fuck you'', doesn't exactly have a nice ring to it, Then again, neither does, '' I'm fucking you because I need to fulfil my needs.
So, I always go along with it. I allow the games to be played because at the end of the day, I'm lonely.
I naturally press for more and sit through this, '' I have commitment issues'' speech that concludes with, '' Do we really have to define this?'' I lie and say no because I don't want him to leave.
Everyday I pray for one of the things that I don't hope to see it happen, he leaves and disappears into thin air. A few weeks later, he surfaces and would tell you he's engaged. If that really happen,I swear I will just lay dead for months.
Normally, I spend every second of my free time poring over our texts or pictures, wondering what I could have said and do to make him choose me over here. To make him stay..
I'll feel like it is all my fault that he choose not to be with me. Maybe if I had launched into a Meredith Grey-esque, ''Pick me, choose me, love me'' speech, he would've stayed.
I really don't know if we were friends, more than friends or just complete strangers who shares a bed. I'm angry for awhile, wondering, ''Was this fun for him? Was I not good enough for him?''
Don't I have enough problems already that I'd still want to create more problem for myself? I would agree you to be with any other guys but not a guy who is attached .That's what my dear friend told me.
I wonder what he sees in her but couldn't see in me. By the end of the day, I know her life inside and out. I wasn't enough.
We'll have an awkward encounter and I'll feel both seasick and airsick on dry land and above 35000 ft
because I have to face the music that I'm just the in-between girl. Then, he'll give half-assed reason for leaving, dropping the inevitable, ''its not you, its me,''. bomb.
And maybe he's right. Its not me. It really is him..
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