I've seen things I wish I hadn't.
I've done things I wish I could take back.
My heart and palms were feeling all pins and needles as I try to explained my knotted past.
I know I'm not easy to hold onto, for my heart is scattered with thorns.
Some nights I will be quiet and you wont know how to pull me from my weeded mind.
Some nights I'll forget what you see in me and lose my balance.
And some nights I will trip over my own feet and apologise for the mess I made.
I wonder why I was thrown into the thick of it all
My bad choices had caused me to suffer this way.
Happiness. Honesty, Loyalty and Integrity;
I've lost it.
I've learnt that if you want to love someone, you've got to learn to accept their past
because the struggles they went through yesterday made them who they are today.
And as I'm sitting here alone and hurting, I wish I have a second chance to start over.
A chance to be happy. That's all Im asking.

Don't you ever grow old

Growth is painful. Change is painful.

Let us be reminded that we are no longer growing younger.

Unless we're Benjamin Button-ing which I wish I am.

Isn't it scary to know that every second counts.

Haunted by the sound of the time ticking,

Our body starts to age and wrinkles getting more obvious than ever.

It keeps me awake every night to think that oh I have 30 more years or 20 or 10 more years to spending time with my love. We never know when we did go to heaven.

Have you ever wonder what's life after death? Will we still continue to live like how we are living right now? Or all the memories will fade behind us? I don't want to die.

It's so scary to even think bout it yet I can't help not to. If I could choose the way I die, I would choose to die together with my husband. I don't think I'm able to continue life without him

God I wish I could fast forward things and just stop at that perfect moments forever. Living within the sweet moments. 

Best things comes to those who waits

They say best things comes to those who waits..

But how long do we have to wait?

Its a question only time could answer.

Have you ever want something so bad but it's just not your destiny yet?

Spending years of scrimping of saving, just so you could  finally wake up and find that your adulting has finally paid off.

Just when your about to get ready and serious to make that big step things just have come crushing you down like a tornado.

Would you be selfish and heartless? Because you worked so hard to save for your future home and marriage.

Or you would sacrifice everything to save your family's financial crisis?

This is like a tug-a-war. 

 What more can you do when you are taught that we should not give up easily, to braved up and face the world , learnt that family comes first and money is not everything. What will you do?

If only we could avoid all these mind disturbing problems as easy as ABC.

 Its not that easy after all. It's never like a fairytale story you read when you were younger. Or those movies you watched.

Im tired of living in a temporary place.Moreover, sleeping in a different room and bed in a so called foreign land most of the time. I want to come home to a place where I could finally call it my home sweet home . To be able to have things the way you want it. A home where you can share especially with your love one. A privacy you've been yearning to get all this while. A place where happiness and love will grow. A place where you can experiment all the food you've been dying to cook.

You dont know how much a real home mean to me.

The One

I know I may not be good enough for you,

and I don't say all the right things.

But at least can I be everything you have been looking for.

I want to be the one you dint see it coming.

The one who gets under your skins.

Who makes you unsteady.

Who makes you question everything you have ever believed about love.

I want to be the one you are infuriatingly and inexplicably drawn to.

I don't want to be the one who tucks you into bed:

I want to be the reason why you can't sleep at night

What do you want this to be

Have you ever heard of Dating Purgatory ?
Well if you havent heard of it, I will tell you about it because I think Im in it right now.

You know that situation of  having one foot out the door instead of taking a risk and jumping into a relationship with both feet? That's when you know you're in dating purgatory. It’s when we are dating someone who wants nothing serious, even though we do.

Do you know how awful is it to be dating someone you like but never knowing where we stood or whether or not he was seeing anyone else.Or it’s all those times we were in a relationship that had no label, or it’s anytime we found ourselves in an almost-relationship.

Is he in denial about what the real deal looks like because the real deal involves self-sacrifice. It’s giving up other options. It’s not talking to girls or guys anymore.Is he afraid to jump in with both feet and give what he got?

My only FOMO is the fear of losing what I have with him.

Is he aware that real deal is when you go to that event with your significant other, even though you don’t really want to go. It’s when you’ll do anything to make your man or woman happy. It’s when you tell each other you only want each other and you don’t want the other to see anyone else.It’s when you lock that sh*t down. It’s when you know exactly where you stand with each other.
If it’s the real deal, you’re not still looking because you know what you’ve found is unbeatable.
You’d never want to risk losing it by continuing to shop around and getting caught.
We need to start focusing on the benefits of being in a relationship, rather than mulling over the drawbacks or worrying about the sacrifices.

I really hate myself for being such a pussy. Tip toe-ing around the issue of  ''What are we?'' and dance around the question of ''What do you want this to be?''
It requires bravery to decide you want to be committed to someone.And i've decided to be with him and not anyone else. What bout him? There will be times when even if you really like this person, you’re still worried it won’t work out.

Perhaps you stay in a non-relationship and never question what it is out of fear that the moment you ask any questions about what you are or where you stand, you’ll scare that fragile pseudo-relationship away.

We shouldn’t settle for anyone unless they step it up. If someone’s not all in and wants to keep one foot out the door, they obviously don’t adore you. If they did, it would look a lot different than dating purgatory.
We deserve better than dating purgatory, but the question is, why aren’t we acting like we deserve better? Why aren’t we demanding better?

 Dont you want the real thing? I believe we all want to find love right?
We all want a supportive partner who can motivate us to aim higher, who cares deeply for us and who we can even take to family events.
 Dating purgatory isn’t where you want to be if you’re in search of something real. Yet, it’s where a lot of us end up.We also voluntarily remain in dating purgatory, no matter how awful it is, by condoning non-relationships, even though we actually want the real deal.

Its sad to know that our generation has accepted dating purgatory as the norm; it’s what we settle for instead of pursuing something real.

Just a dream

Its exactly one more month to my big day and I'm clueless of what I should do for my May annual leave. Here's a couple of ideas:

• To go to Bali , Cambodia or Vietnam
• Go back to Penang
• Just stay in Singapore and rot

It's my 20th birthday and I don't want it to be just like another ordinary birthday..
The feeling of jealously creeps in every time I scrolled through instagram pictures of my friends with their boyfriends showering them with luxurious lifestyles.
I always wonder to myself what does it takes to get pampered like that? Am i not lucky enough?
Its not like I'm complaining but I want to get this treatment too.
Thou I know I'm not so demanding in all this stuffs but hello I'm a girl too alright. I want to be showered with love just like those girls. Don't i deserve something ?

Right now all i could imagine bout happiness is when i touch down from flight, i did make my way to the carousel belt to collect my broken cargo bag then make my way out of the door looking up at the arrival sign. And what makes it better? To see the person you like holding a bouquet of your favourite flowers welcoming you home. Drive you home to let you get dressed and then head to a romantic candle light dinner. Indulging a medium rare steak along with red wine. The sound of violin or piano playing at the back of your ears. Waiter coming behind me holding 20 lighted candles of my all time favourite Oreo cheese cake. That special person hand me a small box. What's in that small box? That swarovski ring I've been dying to have. I know it sounded like getting proposed and so typical cheesy way to celebrate something memorable. You cant blame me. I have never get to experience this sweet thing YET!  And yes I have always wanted my love one to get me a ring.

This is all just a dream yet to be fulfilled if only I'm lucky enough to feel and treated like I'm his Queen. Oh well all I could ask myself is ; open your mind , take a look within. Are you happy with the world your living in? If not, you got to change what you do.

What are we?

Speaking up and expressing our true feelings to another person isn't a simple task.
Obviously, in today's hook-up culture, how can it be?

Amidst the consistent, casual relationship we form, we silence pressing, '' what are we?'' thoughts due to the fear of appearing needy or overly emotional. At the same time, we like the way things are and we don't want to potentially ruin a good thing.

Nobody wants to get hurt, but nobody likes to be strung along with no answers either.

Maybe we believe we owe it to the other person at this point. Or, maybe we think we're  ''too old'' for this casual way of dating and we deserve closure. However, before we torture ourselves over the possibility of scaring the other person away, lets just remind ourselves whether we are ready to consider moving forward or if it's just not in the cards right now.

Remember on my last post about me being the in-between girl? So yea he finally broke up with his girlfriend. Great news huh? But still it bothers me. I don't know which side I should believe.

A part of me afraid he's not in his right state of mind. Sometimes I wonder am I his distraction from the heartbreak he was left with that he's desperately trying to avoid. I could see it in him that's he's vulnerable. Does this mean he could genuinely believe he's in love with me, even if her really isn't? It's difficult to say.
Wait! Does this give me an excuse not to be cautious? No. He could be totally innocent. He could also be fighting to win the adrenaline-rushing game of  '' I moved on first'' between him and his ex. Ok maybe he doesn't even think bout all this stuffs but whatever it is don't I deserve a guy whose attention is 100 person on me?

Sneaky dates and text messages? You would not even  approve the tags i tagged you in Instagram..
Well, hate to break it to myself, but there is rarely ever a happy ending when you're The Other Woman. The fact that right now he's single, I don't know why I felt like there is another girl besides me.

Little bird said:
You don't understand it; you're mature, sweet and young. Why does he only want you when it's convenient for him?
Because he doesn't understand it. And guess what? It's not your job to teach him. You think he's worth waiting for? Sorry. If he knew your worth, he wouldn't make you wait or make you feel this way. Does he even know there's so many guys chasing after you and that you pushed those guys away and in the end still chose to be with you instead of them?
And this is important: No matter how much you like him and no matter how innocent you feel, you are part of the reason another girl out there is getting cheated on even though she is cheating on him too. If only people could stop doing this to each other.

Then another part of me would like to believe he's wants me. When I was in Zurich just before checking out hotel, he asked me whether is it confirm that I will be going back to Penang after my second Zurich because he decided that it would be a nice time to go back together with me. And yea shocked no.1. I would never thought he was so serious bout this thing. Man with words. Charming haha.
Shocked no.2 when I touched down into Singapore, he messaged me and said welcome back and said he was thinking of doing a stay cation then throw in our shopping date in the afternoon. I've never thought he could be so spontaneous. He's making me crazy.
Please tell me its a sign that he's into me. We've been hanging almost as often. But the thing is we don't call each other names or say those i love you and i miss you words and no cheesy emoticons as well hmmm.. I don't want to be one sided or being used.