Two sides

She's bewildered.. She's  scared.. She's confused.

She just had a crazy weekend. A weekend that she will remember for life.
She questioned herself repeatedly every time she blanks out.
What happened? Curiosity kills again.
It was her very first time she got hungover. She was always careful not to go overboard especially in outstation but this time she trusted her friend would take care of her and because she's in her own city. She let it slight off. The friend she trusted did actually took care of her ya but mostly her bag  and then left her with a new friend she just make which is going to fly to Amsterdam with her on Monday =.= i know right? Oh well guess what?
Her boldness and spontaneous act had some kind caused her spiritually and emotionally.
Sorta left clueless bout last night. It's haunting. The only way to stop this is to ask. The thing that stop her from asking was because she's embarrassed to bring up the event again.

She's basically lost. Barely even remember what's her true self. Does she even know the true self of her?
I doubt so. The fact that she's been push to adapt to her surroundings is insane!

There's two sides of her she's indecisive about herself but yet apart of her knows that's her true self.
Well as I what i know, she's just a young girl who had to moved out from her family and friends to a bigger city with only a thousand dollar to survived. She dint have a choice. She had to do whatever it takes to save money for the future. While all her colleagues leads a luxurious life, she's there tying herself down. Every time she scroll through pictures of her friends eating expensive food, buying branded stuffs and pampering themselves she feels so disheartened. A colleague of hers once told her, why suffer so much to save money? You should be easy on yourself. Money wont buy you happiness.
Just enjoy while your young because tomorrow will always be a mystery. If only she have this way of thinking not to worry bout the future.

She wants to prove to people she's independent.She hates it when people thinks she's still young and thinks she doesn't know much. Yes! Young but so what? People around her are all twice her age. It's quite a challenge to try to fit in and keep the conversation going. Most people would just ignore and keep themself quiet but she doesn't rock this way. She wants to let them know she's different. Doesn't mean she's young she cant seem to click to well. Her strong will pushes her so hard that she had to step out of her comfort zone.She make sure she tries anything that is new to her ,make lots of new friends and hangout with them because she honestly think that this is the way of keeping her strong and mature. Meeting new people teaches her so many stuffs. And the results are? Her friends would even ask her out to meet their friends. Which means they doesn't mind bout her age at all. Bare this in mind, time to time she's tends to be afraid and a little pulled back because people would reject to hangout with her because of her age.

What do you think? Do you think she should still push herself to step out of comfort zone or just be conservative? Please do help her and give her some words of advice because I'm speechless and confused too.Is there anyone out there is proud of her too?  All I know is that I'm really proud of her. Proud on how she could adapt to changes every single new day. How she could keep herself so strong facing this big scary world alone. God of Angel Armies please always be by her side.

Phone on your hand

Just stop and look around you.
Majority of people you see around you definitely have mobile phones on their hand.
I can even bet you yourself is holding your mobile as well. Am I right? Don't lie.
Why is everyone on their mobile all the time. I mean it. LIKE ALL THE TIME.
Its like its part of their blood. Or is an oxygen to them.

I'm getting so annoyed. Let me tell you 2 real stories.
1)I once went out with this guy friend of mine. He asked me out for dinner and during the course of dinner he was all the time on his phone. I'm like hello I'm still here you know. As I look at him stupidly with his phone on his hand, is like my presence was not even there at the first place at all. Seriously you ask me out and then your not talking to me. Why don't you just eat dinner with your phone. Why bother so much asking for company. How rude. Even most couples I saw having their meals together but both with their phones on. Is this how we call it dating now?

2)There's 2 person I know which falls into children category with a serious bad habit that got me super irritated. What is it? How can someone takes almost close to half and hour to finish such a small portion of food? Because they  practically eat with their phones on their hand! 

3) During most of my flights there will be parents with their crying infants. And guess how they stop their infants from crying? That's right. With that powerful thing we call the MOBILE DEVICE. This generation nowadays entertain their children with technology instead of toys. My goodness


Most humans practically cant live without their phones. I truly understand that this powerful device is so efficient but this is going way too far.
Why do humans still need human company when all they need is their phones.
We practically can eat with it sleep with it, bath & shit with it. Almost everything with them.
I can proudly say on behalf of all human race that they can even survive in a deserted island as long as they have their phone with them.

Humans should really stop being all into their phones. This is really bad.
We need to stop this act. The world is such a beautiful place. Why cant we just get our eyes off from the screen and observe other better things. You wont be surprise that some death accidents are caused by the usage of mobile devices.Im not kidding you. So what now?

Highlight and Regret

I have a few  crazy ideas again. It's haunting me really bad. Every time  when I just lie on my bed doing nothing, my mind wanders off as always. Thinking of stuffs that doesn't even make sense.
So many what ifs and could haves.
Yesterday during my cell group appreciation I was asked to answer a question.

What is your highlight and regret of the year?
To really think bout it, the highlight of my year was being able to fly to so many places in just one year and I got to meet so many different kind of people which enables me to know what kind of people i should mix with and not and what they have taught me in life. It's funny to think that I've met so many kind of people and there's this one particular sentence my friend said 1 kind rice feeds 100 kinds of people.So many weird people everywhere. 

Then after that I was disrupted with another question which is the most favourite place Ive ever been so far?
I proudly answered Milan. Why? Because there's where I first knew him and of course the country itself. Not the shopping but the architecture itself.

OK back to the question about regret.
So I remembered I said I dont think I have any regrets because everything that happened happens for a reason. It teaches us the good and bad.

After when I reached back home I rethink bout it this question, I actually do have some regrets. I wish I could study harder so I could get scholarship and study abroad. I did be a doctor or a lawyer or something big in just a few years time.

I don't know why I have this sudden urge all over again wanting to be a doctor or study and even move to a whole new city. Do you think it's possible for me to move to London or Newyork or any other  city besides Asian culture cities. To start all over again from level zero. Stepping out of my comfort  zone. 

I truly admire those who can do it. I wonder is it because they have the courage or is it they already have the money or support from their family so they can just move to any city they want to. 

The fact that I still haven't move out from staying with my relatives. What is holding me back? I questioned myself this every time. I figured a few points out 

1) Money

~ I totally have to spend extra money in my rental and utilities 

2) Because of him

~ If I move to somewhere near to airport, will he ever ask me out again? Will our foodie adventure be over because we're staying far from each other. No more last minute late night ride and dinner.

3) Laziness 

~ The fact that I have to do my laundry and cook all my own all over again. 

4) HDB

~ Feels so downgraded. I've been living in a condo my whole life and almost 1 year plus on landed property. Can I get use to this? But then again I shall not expect anything because even if it's HDB I can alway find a nice one and decorate my room just like how I have always imagine it to be 

You Keep Making Me Weak

I've tried playing it cool'
but when I'm looking at you
you keep making me weak
you make my heart my break

shot me out of the sky
your my love tonight
you keep me making me weak
but you make my heart my break

Why am I being such a crazy bitch?
Every time you text me out for a bite I will never reject you
I did dump everything and go with you
I don't know what makes you my priority
You did even bring me out to have dinner with all your friends
Is there  suppose to mean anything?
That's beyond my comfort zone but for you i did go too anyway.
What am i to you in your eyes?
The Goodie Girl?
You told your friends straight I don't smoke,
helping me to escape when your friends pressuring me to go clubbing.
Boy I'm going out of my mind all day all night.

Money is the root of all evil

My second mistake again. Dint I learnt from my mistake previously? Dint I told myself not to give away my off days anymore? Look what have I gotten myself into. Another 2 days of MC. Total of 4 MC in a year plus 2 lapse. What a bad record.

I'm sick of this shit really. How long can this go on? I just came back from Paris with a 12 hours of nonstop zapping aiming on me alone. And now they called me up for a Bombay A380 flight. Honestly I don't mind doing that flight but not with Arun Kumar some horrible IFS. I am so demotivated to fly already and I just don't want to go on and take another shit in my life.

I figured it out. It was because of greed for money that caused me this. I read this chapter from God Girl Book and it really hit me hard.Here it goes:
 Are you ever satisfied? Do you ever have enough? Or is there always something more you want  or think you need? It's easy to see all the world has to offer and to have a continual wish list. I want this and this and that and the list goes on and on. But what does all this wanting say about you? I believe God is testing me. My greed has caused me bad.

Right now I'm all tangled with confusion. I have a lapse that I'm suppose to explain and submit before 16 Dec. I mentioned several times to my family that what if I stop flying and come back Penang to study and what I got from their replies were crazy. I'm in a career line where it pays me well especially for my age but how long can I be flying. I just cant imagine what will happen after 5 years of flying. I'm already in the verge of breaking down.Will I be able to continue the shortest period of 3 years to be able to earn enough money to go back my home town?

God, please make my day better. Is this what I really want in life? How long can I be strong? Its the last month of 2014. Its the season of happiness not sadness. Let there be something good I can look forward too.

A380?

Dear God,

As i come to you today with my troubled heart, I pray that you will show me the bright side of the things you gave me. I've been feeling really down lately and demotivated to fly.

Is it my fault to have a junior face? I did not ask for it.

Lord I beg you with all my heart, Im about to have my A380 training soon. Help me see the bright side of it make me love it. I have come so far in flying for a year and I possibly cant quit now right?

What I gotta do is what I want to do

1) Read my bible

2) Learn my German                                                                             

 

3) Visit Cambodia or Kyoto my own                                                   

4) Bring family to Europe                                                                  

5) 2015 must save up to 50k sgd