Money is the root of all evil

My second mistake again. Dint I learnt from my mistake previously? Dint I told myself not to give away my off days anymore? Look what have I gotten myself into. Another 2 days of MC. Total of 4 MC in a year plus 2 lapse. What a bad record.

I'm sick of this shit really. How long can this go on? I just came back from Paris with a 12 hours of nonstop zapping aiming on me alone. And now they called me up for a Bombay A380 flight. Honestly I don't mind doing that flight but not with Arun Kumar some horrible IFS. I am so demotivated to fly already and I just don't want to go on and take another shit in my life.

I figured it out. It was because of greed for money that caused me this. I read this chapter from God Girl Book and it really hit me hard.Here it goes:
 Are you ever satisfied? Do you ever have enough? Or is there always something more you want  or think you need? It's easy to see all the world has to offer and to have a continual wish list. I want this and this and that and the list goes on and on. But what does all this wanting say about you? I believe God is testing me. My greed has caused me bad.

Right now I'm all tangled with confusion. I have a lapse that I'm suppose to explain and submit before 16 Dec. I mentioned several times to my family that what if I stop flying and come back Penang to study and what I got from their replies were crazy. I'm in a career line where it pays me well especially for my age but how long can I be flying. I just cant imagine what will happen after 5 years of flying. I'm already in the verge of breaking down.Will I be able to continue the shortest period of 3 years to be able to earn enough money to go back my home town?

God, please make my day better. Is this what I really want in life? How long can I be strong? Its the last month of 2014. Its the season of happiness not sadness. Let there be something good I can look forward too.

A380?

Dear God,

As i come to you today with my troubled heart, I pray that you will show me the bright side of the things you gave me. I've been feeling really down lately and demotivated to fly.

Is it my fault to have a junior face? I did not ask for it.

Lord I beg you with all my heart, Im about to have my A380 training soon. Help me see the bright side of it make me love it. I have come so far in flying for a year and I possibly cant quit now right?

What I gotta do is what I want to do

1) Read my bible

2) Learn my German                                                                             

 

3) Visit Cambodia or Kyoto my own                                                   

4) Bring family to Europe                                                                  

5) 2015 must save up to 50k sgd                                                        

Expectation is the root of all heartaches

I don't know if I want you. But I do know is that I don't want anyone else to have you.
It wasn't good enough. I knew that. My heart however was having a serious case of selective hearing. All it heard was I don't want anyone else to have you. And within that-  was a glimmer of hope, a spark of optimism.

Isn't love suppose to make you feel big?
Like you could conquer the world?
Instead you took my love, swallowed it whole and left me with bones.
The loudest noise I ever felt was the ghost of a heartbreak roaring in my chest.

I can feel the cracks on the inside.
The ones I've tried to hide, they are getting bigger than ever.
I don't even know if I'm alive.
I'm already dead. Is this how it feels like?
I'm numb from all the damages I'm left with.
The million pieces I'm broken in to that I cant seem to gather.
So once again I have proven that I should not love again.
I should not put any hopes.
I'm tired of being the girl who falls head over heels in love with the guy who barely even stumbles.

It was all my fault.
I spent alot of time searching for affection in shallow spaces.
I gave people bits of me they dint deserve and i let myself be hurt,
because i thought that was what  i deserved.
Biggest mistake wasn't falling for you,
it was thinking that you have fallen for me too.

One night to lose your mind

CURIOSITY KILLS THE CAT. True or false?

Courage was all gathered and build up.

The waiting has finally come to an end.

That dying desire was desired.

Lesson and experience gained.

Addiction is stirred up.

How can we stop this?

I finally clubbed last Saturday night.

It was a night I will never forget. I finally understood why people likes to club.

One word i would like to say about clubbing. Carefree.
The feeling of happiness. Forget about all the worries and stress.
You drowned yourself with alcohol as if they were your medicine to all your problems.
Smoke as if the puff is your stress and it would just disappear in thin air.
You dance like there's no tomorrow and as if you are young and carefree again.
Meeting strangers which then became your new friends.

In the other hand,
What you don't know was we are all just too sober and drunk.
Toxicating our kidneys.
Stuffing our lungs with cigarette smoke.
Being touched and grabbed by hands from nowhere. I can never forget how I was grabbed.
Grinding with strangers which turns them on.
Inhibitions were gone.
And we all live by the motto we only live once so lets party like there's no tomorrow.

I will be grateful for this day

I just got back from a meet up with a close friend of mine whom i knew since we're 10 years old. She said something that really make me stop and wonder for awhile. Something so great that it makes me realise and remind myself to be grateful. So what did she said?

She was telling me how lucky I am to have my life so well planned and everything seems so smooth looking and that she is jealous of me. In the other hand , her life wasn't just that lucky as mine based on what she thinks. Just to let you know, me and her plus another friend of mine shared the same dream to become an air hostess together since we were 12. But sadly, only one of us make it to this dream. 

So I was saying that yea, she really reminded me that I should be very grateful for what I have because someone else is praying for the things you take for granted. I should really stop complaining and look at the bright side again. How many times have I forgot to look on the bright side? Sigh.

She even mentioned something really makes me feel proud. Sort of the achievement feeling or maybe something you've been longing or dream for a very long time. She said that I have grown so much. I have grown to be such a mature and strong girl. No more naive Jayne. Listening to this totally makes me feel that this path I'm taking is really the right path to walk. More like God's path all set ready for me. Thou it may seem so smooth to peoples eyes  but honestly I went through hell which in the end with God by my side I managed to sail it smoothly.  My life is a gift but I just got to wake up everyday and realize that.

Dear readers, do not be easily deceived  by pictures of happiness of others because everyone has their rough times. Don't just see on the bright side, we all have our bad sides too.Just that we don't show it. 

Before I end my this post, it may seem like ahh anyone could just tell you that their proud of you too and shit.But this is different. This words is from my friend. An honest and straight forward friend who watches you grow. Who would daringly pick on your taste especially on your boyfriends. A friend that wish to have my life too. Her words really mean well that's why it really impacted me.Whatever it is , I wish she could pursue her dreams as soon as possible.

Well said quote.

Does age really matter?

Here's a question. Why care so much bout age? I know to most women out there the topic about age is the most sensitive issue. I totally agree with it. Why?
Well, because I entered the working world early at the age of 18. Yes I'm the most youngest . It's good to start at a very young age but reality? It's kinda sucks.Almost everyday I work with people with different age and continents. Most of them can be my sister, brother, father, mother or grandpa.
It's really hard and unfair to me. Unfair in what sense?

Working 
When I was P plate for my first and second month, my colleagues tend to pick on me more because I'm way younger than them moreover I'm very new to flying and I got super good roster.Jealous much? I always hope and pray hard that they do not know my age every time I go for flight. I really hate it when they know my age. They will go all like please stand aside don't join us. I'm too young for them and all. But thank God after I cleared my P, everything seems better.
I feel really great and proud of myself when some of the colleagues told me they salute me because I'm so mature and could deal with all the kind of shit on board at such age. They couldnt tell Im 18/19 and thought I was 23/24. Do i even look that old? -.-

I will never find love till i reach my 20's
I really hate it when at first guys flirts with you, keep trying on you then some bitch come tell them my age. Then the guys be like choking themselves with some unbelievable truth then ignore me after that. I was like jerks.. This happens alot of time. I'm glad a few of my guy colleagues i flew with dint think or act that way and they are still my friends till now.

Appearance and maturity?
Do you prefer to look mature when your not even your 20's?
Seriously I have lots of friends who looks, makeup and dress themselves like their 25 when their only 16? 17? 18? Like seriously? I mean its good to be mature but that's too over
In the other hand, those ladies I know who were already in their mid's of 20's wishing and trying so hard to look young. Why the irony?
Why cant us girl's just act and be like what's right for their age.

I actually don't know what I'm trying to express. I'm just really pissed of ageism. Should I wish to be in my 20's faster or what. Sometimes I just want to have fun and act like a child. I honestly never really had my chance to have fun when I was younger. And now even worse I have to be all working adult, no spoilt reputation of myself and shits.