What are we?

Speaking up and expressing our true feelings to another person isn't a simple task.
Obviously, in today's hook-up culture, how can it be?

Amidst the consistent, casual relationship we form, we silence pressing, '' what are we?'' thoughts due to the fear of appearing needy or overly emotional. At the same time, we like the way things are and we don't want to potentially ruin a good thing.

Nobody wants to get hurt, but nobody likes to be strung along with no answers either.

Maybe we believe we owe it to the other person at this point. Or, maybe we think we're  ''too old'' for this casual way of dating and we deserve closure. However, before we torture ourselves over the possibility of scaring the other person away, lets just remind ourselves whether we are ready to consider moving forward or if it's just not in the cards right now.

Remember on my last post about me being the in-between girl? So yea he finally broke up with his girlfriend. Great news huh? But still it bothers me. I don't know which side I should believe.

A part of me afraid he's not in his right state of mind. Sometimes I wonder am I his distraction from the heartbreak he was left with that he's desperately trying to avoid. I could see it in him that's he's vulnerable. Does this mean he could genuinely believe he's in love with me, even if her really isn't? It's difficult to say.
Wait! Does this give me an excuse not to be cautious? No. He could be totally innocent. He could also be fighting to win the adrenaline-rushing game of  '' I moved on first'' between him and his ex. Ok maybe he doesn't even think bout all this stuffs but whatever it is don't I deserve a guy whose attention is 100 person on me?

Sneaky dates and text messages? You would not even  approve the tags i tagged you in Instagram..
Well, hate to break it to myself, but there is rarely ever a happy ending when you're The Other Woman. The fact that right now he's single, I don't know why I felt like there is another girl besides me.

Little bird said:
You don't understand it; you're mature, sweet and young. Why does he only want you when it's convenient for him?
Because he doesn't understand it. And guess what? It's not your job to teach him. You think he's worth waiting for? Sorry. If he knew your worth, he wouldn't make you wait or make you feel this way. Does he even know there's so many guys chasing after you and that you pushed those guys away and in the end still chose to be with you instead of them?
And this is important: No matter how much you like him and no matter how innocent you feel, you are part of the reason another girl out there is getting cheated on even though she is cheating on him too. If only people could stop doing this to each other.

Then another part of me would like to believe he's wants me. When I was in Zurich just before checking out hotel, he asked me whether is it confirm that I will be going back to Penang after my second Zurich because he decided that it would be a nice time to go back together with me. And yea shocked no.1. I would never thought he was so serious bout this thing. Man with words. Charming haha.
Shocked no.2 when I touched down into Singapore, he messaged me and said welcome back and said he was thinking of doing a stay cation then throw in our shopping date in the afternoon. I've never thought he could be so spontaneous. He's making me crazy.
Please tell me its a sign that he's into me. We've been hanging almost as often. But the thing is we don't call each other names or say those i love you and i miss you words and no cheesy emoticons as well hmmm.. I don't want to be one sided or being used.

In-between girl

Few weeks ago I read an article that is so true about my current situation that hit me real hard.
Someone finally come to terms with what its' like to be the girl he isn't in a relationship with.
They call it 'the in-between girl'. I've heard all of the names: rebound, hookup, friends with benefits but none of them seem to fit. I don't feel like as though they match how i feel.

For the past 2 years I've encountered many guys who just ' don't see it going there' with me but are comfortable enough to want to see me naked. Up until now, I dint understand the logic behind the matter until it dawned on me one day: I am the in-between girl.

By definition, I am the girl guys are with in-between serious relationships. They turn to me at vulnerable points in their lives without realizing it. I'm just a space-filler and a safe place to go because I am consistent and that's what they need.

He touches me, he hugs me, he kisses me, we travelled together and etc but don't worry.. we're just friends. He says he doesn't want a relationship but he acts like my boyfriend. I just don't understand.
No girls wants a guy who cant let other girls know he is taken?. And I definitely don't want to be his back up plan and he's second choice! Isn't it better to have nobody at all than to have somebody to be half there or doesn't want to be there? And yet inside of me I know i don't stand much chance, but I'm still gonna like him anyway? How fucked up can this be?

I know we mean much more to each other than just a few casual hookups here and there. There's intimacy. We talk and share so much. That's not casual at all and I know it. Of all the guys I dated, he is one of the guy that I'm able to converse non stop and I hope he feels the same way too.

Things spiral beyond our control. He's in a relationship which he might or might not plan to break it off.All my friends told me don't get myself in trouble, if he can breakup with his current girlfriend when he is with me, he can do they same when he's with me for other girls. And the fact that i can find someone who deserves me better.  I'm crystal clear about that. But whats pulling me? Someone please tell me about it.

We officially enter the grey area.

This is the part where I find myself waiting around for him to text me or ask me out. Although he blatantly tells me he's not looking for a relationship. I still cling to the smidgen of hope that he will change his mind.

When I ask why isn't he breaking up with his girlfriend yet when he said they are in a complicated status( doesn't seem complicated to me at all) and having communication problem,, he says ''well it's just a matter of time' or he would also say ' too much commitments already'.

The cyclical agony continues..

We aren't up front with each other because we're afraid to say things when we don't like how they sound. ''I don't want a girlfriend but I want to fuck you'', doesn't exactly have a nice ring to it, Then again, neither does, '' I'm fucking you because I need to fulfil my needs.

So, I always go along with it. I allow the games to be played because at the end of the day, I'm lonely.

I naturally press for more and sit through this, '' I have commitment issues'' speech that concludes with, '' Do we really have to define this?'' I lie and say no because I don't want him to leave.

Everyday I pray for one of the things that I don't hope to see it happen, he leaves and disappears into thin air. A few weeks later, he surfaces and would tell you he's engaged. If that really happen,I swear I will just lay dead for months.

Normally, I spend every second of my free time poring over our texts or pictures, wondering what I could have said and do to make him choose me over here. To make him stay..

I'll feel like it is all my fault that he choose not to be with me. Maybe if I had launched into a Meredith Grey-esque, ''Pick me, choose me, love me'' speech, he would've stayed.

I really don't know if we were friends, more than friends or just complete strangers who shares a bed. I'm angry for awhile, wondering, ''Was this fun for him? Was I not good enough for him?''
Don't I have enough problems already that I'd still want to create more problem for myself? I would agree you to be with any other guys but not a guy who is attached .That's what my dear friend told me.

I wonder what he sees in her but couldn't see in me. By the end of the day, I know her life inside and out.  I wasn't enough.

We'll have an awkward encounter and I'll feel both seasick and airsick on dry land and above 35000 ft
because I have to face the music that I'm just the in-between girl. Then, he'll give half-assed reason for leaving, dropping the inevitable, ''its not you, its me,''. bomb.

And maybe he's right. Its not me. It really is him..

Johannesburg, South Africa

When you least expect it, that's when great things happen.

After one year and 4 months of flying I finally flew to South Africa. I wasn't rostered. I was called up for that flight. Thou I'm happy to go Johannesburg but when I saw the crew list, I was indeed demotivated to fly because everyone is so senior. Strong feelings that nobody would want to go to the Lion's Park or the Horse Riding Safari with me. Contemplating to take MC but I couldn't bare to due to high amount of MC I took in just a year. Oh well, i sucked it up and went for the flight and you know what? 

Fingers crossed worked.

Prayers answered.

My whole set of crew is so damn nice. We were like a family. We had our lunch and dinner together. Drinking sessions. Surprisingly 6 of us went for horse riding! How can you find such awesome spontaneous crew? Sadly I'm not flying back with my set of crew. I had to go back a day earlier with other set. But still, I thank God that my 3 tech crews are joining me home too.

Words cant describe how thankful I am to have 3 of them. They were so nice to me. Every meal they paid more then they should have. They even invited me over for dinner for the last day because all of my sets are going for their beauty sleep to prepare for an early morning shuttle and that I will be alone with nothing to eat with anyone. Captain Han insisted me continue my studies while Captain Leonard asked me to marry a rich guy and my life would be complete. How i wish i could find a rich loving husband soon.

So the horse riding was really quite an experience. Thou I dint get to see any lions, cheetahs and whatsoever more. God I love the part where I could gallop the horse. Its so fun. Feeling like a cowboy girl but one thing you have to know, the galloping hurts the hell out of our vagina's and balls. Please mind my language. Its the truth trust me! Now I'm so tempted to ride horse and eat lots of steaks along with red wines.

There is something I got to share with you about Africa. When I was on my way to the reserved safari, I passed by the local areas where I could see how they lead their lives there.  Their houses were really run down. All made off old dusty bricks with rusty metal rooftops. I see so many of the black African guys sitting by the roadside waiting for something. Do you know what were they waiting for? I first thought they were just resting there for fun. But no. The answer is they were all hoping for a miracle to happen. Waiting every single day under the sun with no shelter for a job opportunities. Praying that a van or a bus would stop by and pick them to work. It really breaks my heart to see it yet i truly admire how patience they can be because the hardest test in life is the patience to wait for the right moment. It reminds me of a very strong quote ' keep your heart open to dreams for as long as there's  a dream there's hope and as long as there's hope there is joy in living.'

Lastly I just want to say something silly here. I honestly thought there are only black Africans. I did not know there are white Africans as well. Oh well, that's about it ciao